Utterly Broken


Utterly Broken

The breaks in connection
are complex and many layered.
I cannot bear to look out
my eyes contract with pain
I cannot find the words
there is merely blank space
where mind should be
I cannot read any information
my eyes jump about and 
will not focus
I cannot speak on the phone
my head is overloaded
with words and noise that
make no sense
I cannot listen to the radio
the talking muddles my brain
and irritates my ears
I cannot move my limbs
my muscles are jelly
filled with throbbing pain.
I cannot listen to conversation
my mind simply cannot follow
the thread of information.
I cannot bear to be touched
my body shrinks and shakes
with the lightest contact.
there are many disconnections
between thought and action
So many persecuted moments
from trying to engage with
ordinary life
The hardest thing to bear though
is the ignorance and
deliberate manipulation of truth
so that I am left alone
isolated and screaming
in agony
tormented by everyday living
not even knowing
the reasons for my medical
malfunction
because society has shut
its ears and eyes to the truth
and carries on
a path of denial and righteous persecution
against all who are like me
trying to live in a fractured body
that is utterly broken inside.
Linda Crowhurst
































Comments









  1. theresaMarch 9, 2011 at 3:37 AM
    Dear Linda - this powerful and articulate poem is, at times, gruelling to read but reveals a fighting,brave and bold spirit. And despite the awfulness of your present state, you can write a brilliant poem. Hang on to that.The portrait (by Gregs?)is brave too.So often, we (I) hide behind a polite smile and hold it in.People go by the ouside so much and judge us by that too. This is what severe M.E. is like on the inside when it decides to take you by the throat again.

    Feel sure you will recover in time from this fall and am holding you in prayer but wish you would get the doctor over to check it out.There is so much terrible suffering in the world - we are really in unity with most of the world when you think of it...  

    I found these lines in Streams in the Desert. Don't know the author.Hope it helps you and sending you lots of love xxx

    "Measure thy life by loss and not by gain,
    Not by the wine drunk, but by the wine poured forth.For love's strength standeth in love's sacrifice, and he who suffers most has most to give."
    ReplyDelete
  2. MalcolmMarch 13, 2011 at 11:48 AM
    even as a "moderate" sufferer with ME I can recognize (via many extended moments when I have shared much of them) the experiences that you have so potently expressed. 

    When will they get on with the necessary biomedical research? 

    You are in my thoughts and prayers!
    ReplyDelete











Post a Comment



















Popular posts from this blog









When I am 64 and other false positives : The PACE Trial.




















Image







  Greg Crowhurst   6 th  February 2013     “Much of what we think we know based on conventional statistical studies published in the academic literature stands a good chance of just not being  so  “    Roger Pielke Jr   http://rogerpielkejr.blogspot.co.uk/2012/03/false-positive-science.html     Imagine  I am a psychiatrist and for £5 million, say ,  I want to prove that CBT and GET are a safe and useful treatment  for ME. The good news is “ how unacceptably easy it is to accumulate (and report) statistically significant evidence for a false hypothesis ,  according to Nelson and  Simonsohn (2011).    Their frightening  paper “ False-Positive Psychology, ” shows  how  “ undisclosed flexibility in data collection and analysis allows presenting anything as significant ,” .  In fact Nelson and Simonshon statistically  “prove” that listening to “ When I am 64 ” by the Beatles can   make you a couple of years younger !    http://pss.sagepub.com/content/22/11/1359.full.pdf+html     The bad new








Read more










THE STONEBIRD DEFINITION OF SEVERE ME




















Image







     Severe ME is a hellish experience that you live and endure without treatment, cure or respect.   Severe ME is not knowing how to cope from minute to minute, moment to moment.   Severe ME is being tormented by people doing ordinary things.   Severe ME is being inhibited by paralysis.   Severe ME is being  totally ill, all the time.   Severe ME is being unable to  read.   Severe ME is being  unable to hold anything.   Severe ME is falling over regularly.   Severe ME is your mind not working.   Severe ME is being unable to speak on the phone.   Severe ME is finding that going to bed or remaining in bed makes you feel even more ill.     Severe ME is discovering that there is no  possibility of rest, ever.   Severe ME is being unable to see anybody because they make you more ill, because  you are  so hypersensitive.   Severe ME is not  knowing what to eat that won't hurt you.   Severe ME is being neglected by the Health Service.   Severe ME is having to regularly have to prove you 








Read more










Paralysis, a qualitative study of people with Severe Myalgic Encephalomyelitis




















Image







     Greg and Linda Crowhurst (August 8 th  2013).      Synopsis      Paralysis is a symptom that is rarely highlighted in the literature for ME, yet is found amongst the most severely ill ME population and even some of those not so severely affected. My wife has experienced it for almost 2 decades, without adequate exploration, alongside exposure to denial and dismissal, ignorance and neglect as well as harmful treatment.      We wanted to find out if there was anyone else with a similar experience to my wife's or if she was a rare and very severe case. We wanted to highlight the seriousness of this symptom and ask why it is being ignored and down played not only by the medical profession, with its inappropriate focus on fatigue and the psychosocial response, but also by the main charities, none of whom, flag it up as a main symptom.      This qualitative research study indicates that there are significant others experiencing apparently similar paralysis and that my wife is not un








Read more