Love always forgives
The other day was impossibly hard. Suffering is not pleasant to witness, my wife's suffering reached a new extremity, verging on despair : where is God ? God seemed absent, despite constant prayer.
My response was far from adequate. Continued unrelenting repeat paralysis on a daily basis is unbearably hard to be a bystander to, especially when it has gone on for decades without adequate recognition or medical intervention.
How do you keep picking yourself up and carry on ?
Of course I understand it is the illness; that the pain and loss , tearing away at every shred of my self esteem, is profound, naked, raw suffering.
Her distress , the pain of screaming multiple hypersensitivity, of a body scalded in agony, is not a personal attack on me, yet nonetheless it assaults me , leaves me feeling hopeless and helpless to make any difference .
The constant knowing that I have not been able to save her from her unimaginable daily agony undermines my self esteem .
Being in the presence of suffering, the child within you, which doesn't know what to do, how to cope, takes over sometimes, withdrawing in dismay, devastated by helplessness , revealing layer upon layer of unheralded hurt: it is a horrible place to be.
But how can anyone know what to do, every moment of every day?
How do you carry on, facing yet another pain- filled paralysed day?
The answer is grace, the power of love, lifting me up, renewing, inspiring, forgiving, learning, enabling me to carry on, on this long journey into suffering. In all my muddled ways, I do not despair. That is a miraculous joy.
For this I have learned. However far away from the light you feel, however grim the moment, however lost you feel, love, true love, never abandons you and thus hope must be reborn anew.
And those who truly love, always forgive, for that is the true nature of love.