When I first became ill

When I first became ill I lay still praying and hoping and expecting if I rested enough that the pain would diminish and go away. It did not. It's torment varied. I cannot describe adequately the intensity of constant pain assaulting me, yet flowing, changing, grabbing my attention totally.
The worst pain was not the burning, itching crawling skin, but the solid, constant, tortuous throb, continuous within and without me. 
Everything throbbing in agony with the beat of my heart it seemed, on and on and on, never ending. Not just in one part of me, but in all parts simultaneously. Loud to my inner self. Excruciating to my physical self. Unbearable to my awareness. Tormenting to my lifeless paralysed unable to move body. All in harmony, no where to escape. No way of diminishing it. My nose, my eyebrow, my eyes, my face, my head, my neck, my arms, my hands, my fingers, my guts, my back, my legs, my feet, my toes, my veins.
No part of me was untouched by the pain filled throbbing. It was as if I had entered into a new reality where I was now aware of the sensations of the inner working of my body and I could not escape from this agonising constant pulsing of being, which now had invaded my awareness and was harming me and agonisingly painful.
I had to learn how to become aware in new ways of my body, inner awareness so that I could hope to bring healing and transcendence to my being. I was bombarded also in the stillness of my body with the constant activity of my mind, going through my past, trying to make sense of my present.
Had I somehow caused this to myself through unforgiveness, hurt, anguish, undealt with loss? I went through my life in my mind, I tried to forgive, release, let go, of all past hurts. It helped me emotionally, but still the body continued to hurt and not work.
I eventually came to realise that thinking about the past was unhelpful. Wanting what could not be was unhelpful. Expecting immanent wellness was unlikely. Realising that my will alone could not make me better. Positive thought and attitude would not take the physical pain away or the multi- system dysfunction that was causing me havoc in my body. Interestingly at this time I saw a homeopath who told me that I was very seriously ill, whatever anyone else said and to hold on to this knowledge. He confirmed for me what I knew already, yet what was being denied by the medical profession. There was something very physically wrong.
This was something horrendously severe, that had affected every level of my body and my mind alone was not going to, could not make it well, no matter how much I wanted to be well. So what was the best way to live in this physical nightmare?
It had to be through living in love, through lifting my thoughts to a higher place, through sending love out to the universe, hoping love might return and bring upliftment , healing and comfort. Prayer soon became the true focus of my life.
Linda Crowhurst

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