The suffering, long beyond words.

How can I convey the suffering
Which has long been beyond words
As each year takes it toll
Moment by agonising moment
Living in a totally invisible pain filled reality
That no one sees
Few recognise
And fewer grasp the meaning?
How far the world feels from me
Even when I lie,
With 6 inches of brick
Between me and the outside street
Where people pass by and chatter
And walk
Exchange gossip,
Stoke dogs
Wear perfume
And bright frivolous clothes
Enjoy the sun
Walk on their way
Drive in their cars
Or rev their engines much too loud
Interact and feel happy
Completely unaware at bestN
or ignoring the fact at worst
That, I, lie, alone, in the dark
In pain, unable to move
Or speak
Or bear their voices
Tormented by their every word
Their loud insensitive laughter
Their two- way conversations
Their tones of voice
The children who pass by screeching in fun
The tractors thundering past
And the jets invading my space
Creating a broken reality
That no one can comprehend
And few could imagine or probably bear.
How can this be conveyed?
This need for complete and total silence?
The danger of one word, spoken too loud
Reducing me to shaking spasms
Stroke- like symptoms and total paralysis.
The agony of voices chatting on and on
Giving me too much information for my tortured head.
The pain of lying on the pillow, unable to lift my head
As it presses deeper and deeper down in numb despair
And increases indescribably the intense
That knifes me
From the inside out
And the outside in.
The desperate need to speak or call out
But no strength in my lungs
No thought in my head
No pathway from my mind to my lips
No way to formulate the words
No ability to drink through a straw
No possibility of sucking that liquid
so desperately wanted
to quench the unquenchable thirst
No movement in my fingers, my hand, my arm, my neck, my feet, my legs
To help me scratch that intolerable itch on my nose
No ability to tolerate the contact of the lightest touch
Nor glean whatever comfort might be captured from that loving look
For eyes tight shut will not unlock
And no one can know the mystery of this suffering
That locks me down in indescribable emptiness
And unimaginable loss
While the world goes by
Living life and
Having fun.


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