The Agony & the Isolation

I feel so low
So small
So dark
Yet so huge
So vast
and swollen,
By numbness,
Pushing me outward,
Toward the void
I cannot feel myself
I cannot be myself
I am no longer who I am.
I am stuck to the floor,
to the chair,
My limbs are stuck to each other.
There is just separation.
There is just emptiness.
There is just agony.
There is just nothing.
I am disappearing by degrees
Each time it comes.
It is an intolerable, physical assault
On my being.
I find I can no longer bear even less than I used to bear
Yet more, somehow, even so,
because it keeps adding on
and adding on;
The thousands and thousands of times
Over all the months, the years, the decades.
Continually adding up
Greater and greater still,
Along with the denial
The unhelpfulness
The negation
The neglect
The abandonment
The harm
The ignorance
The cruelty
and the impossibility
of it all.
Yet still I am left struggling
Not really knowing how to bear it,
Not really knowing the best way through it,
Not even knowing if something or someone
Could actually help me
Somewhere, in the world
If only I could find them,
If only I could connect with them,
If only I could make contact
In a way
that did not
make me
Even worse.


  1. This will sound unhelpful but try to relax your muscles. In fact not all your muscles, that's too hard. Try to relax just one toe, or one finger until you can feel the blood flowing into it and making it warm. The blood will bring oxygen which will reduce the acid and do reduce the pain.

    This helps but it takes time and practise. It's worth trying.

    I hope you find some way anyway to ease your tremendous suffering. We are thinking of you and wishing you well as we read your very eloquent words.


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