Utterly Broken

Utterly Broken

The breaks in connection
are complex and many layered.
I cannot bear to look out
my eyes contract with pain
I cannot find the words
there is merely blank space
where mind should be
I cannot read any information
my eyes jump about and 
will not focus
I cannot speak on the phone
my head is overloaded
with words and noise that
make no sense
I cannot listen to the radio
the talking muddles my brain
and irritates my ears
I cannot move my limbs
my muscles are jelly
filled with throbbing pain.
I cannot listen to conversation
my mind simply cannot follow
the thread of information.
I cannot bear to be touched
my body shrinks and shakes
with the lightest contact.
there are many disconnections
between thought and action
So many persecuted moments
from trying to engage with
ordinary life
The hardest thing to bear though
is the ignorance and
deliberate manipulation of truth
so that I am left alone
isolated and screaming
in agony
tormented by everyday living
not even knowing
the reasons for my medical
because society has shut
its ears and eyes to the truth
and carries on
a path of denial and righteous persecution
against all who are like me
trying to live in a fractured body
that is utterly broken inside.
Linda Crowhurst


  1. Dear Linda - this powerful and articulate poem is, at times, gruelling to read but reveals a fighting,brave and bold spirit. And despite the awfulness of your present state, you can write a brilliant poem. Hang on to that.The portrait (by Gregs?)is brave too.So often, we (I) hide behind a polite smile and hold it in.People go by the ouside so much and judge us by that too. This is what severe M.E. is like on the inside when it decides to take you by the throat again.

    Feel sure you will recover in time from this fall and am holding you in prayer but wish you would get the doctor over to check it out.There is so much terrible suffering in the world - we are really in unity with most of the world when you think of it...

    I found these lines in Streams in the Desert. Don't know the author.Hope it helps you and sending you lots of love xxx

    "Measure thy life by loss and not by gain,
    Not by the wine drunk, but by the wine poured forth.For love's strength standeth in love's sacrifice, and he who suffers most has most to give."

  2. even as a "moderate" sufferer with ME I can recognize (via many extended moments when I have shared much of them) the experiences that you have so potently expressed.

    When will they get on with the necessary biomedical research?

    You are in my thoughts and prayers!


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