The suffering, long beyond words.

How can I convey the suffering

Which has long been beyond words

As each year takes it toll

Moment by agonising moment

Living in a totally invisible pain filled reality

That no one sees

Few recognise

And fewer grasp the meaning?

How far the world feels from me

Even when I lie,

With 6 inches of brick

Between me and the outside street

Where people pass by and chatter

And walk

Exchange gossip,

Stoke dogs

Wear perfume

And bright frivolous clothes

Enjoy the sun

Walk on their way

Drive in their cars

Or rev their engines much too loud

Interact and feel happy

Completely unaware at bestN

or ignoring the fact at worst

That, I, lie, alone, in the dark

In pain, unable to move

Or speak

Or bear their voices

Tormented by their every word

Their loud insensitive laughter

Their two- way conversations

Their tones of voice

The children who pass by screeching in fun

The tractors thundering past

And the jets invading my space

Creating a broken reality

That no one can comprehend

And few could imagine or probably bear.

How can this be conveyed?

This need for complete and total silence?

The danger of one word, spoken too loud

Reducing me to shaking spasms

Stroke- like symptoms and total paralysis.

The agony of voices chatting on and on

Giving me too much information for my tortured head.

The pain of lying on the pillow, unable to lift my head

As it presses deeper and deeper down in numb despair

And increases indescribably the intense

unshakeable

burning

throbbing,

intolerable

pain

That knifes me

From the inside out

And the outside in.

The desperate need to speak or call out

But no strength in my lungs

No thought in my head

No pathway from my mind to my lips

No way to formulate the words

No ability to drink through a straw

No possibility of sucking that liquid

so desperately wanted

to quench the unquenchable thirst

No movement in my fingers, my hand, my arm, my neck, my feet, my legs

To help me scratch that intolerable itch on my nose

No ability to tolerate the contact of the lightest touch

Nor glean whatever comfort might be captured from that loving look

For eyes tight shut will not unlock

And no one can know the mystery of this suffering

That locks me down in indescribable emptiness

And unimaginable loss

While the world goes by

Uncaring

Living life and

Having fun.