HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE IN ARTICULATING YOUR NEEDS.
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HOW TO BE ASSERTIVE IN ARTICULATING YOUR NEEDS.
Linda faces major medical challenges this year, it is incredibly difficult working out how to convey her complex issues and needs to professionals so that they comprehend what she needs to keep her safe.
It is so important that we do this, for the terrifying consequences, if they get anything, I stress “anything at all”, wrong are potentially life threatening or will trigger unimaginable suffering and deterioration..
We have to find some way to articulate what, let’s face it, is beyond incomprehensible to most people.
I know we have done it before and we will do it again, only this time the stakes are much, much higher. This is bigger than anything we have ever faced. There is zero room for misunderstanding ahead, so it’s really serious.
Day and night all of this is constantly on my mind. The stress, right now, is huge.
Anyway, I was listening to the “Today” program this morning on Radio 4 and they had an airline executive on. He said something that stopped me in my tracks, I was making breakfast.
I immediately jotted it down:
“Ambitious expectations”.
Wow, I thought, my mind racing back down the years.
I used to run one, two, three day workshops for health and social services staff up and down the country. One of the things I used to do, at service stations was have a burger and coke and then buy business motivation talks to listen to in the car; they were a rich source of ideas and out of the box inspiration; my workshops aimed to be wildly innovative.
Often, with aid of balloons, rocks and plasticine, I would run Team Building Sessions, which always came down to examining how effectively was the team communicating with each other? Time and again they weren’t.
So we would work out respectful, clear, communication strategies.
Those motivation talks in the car, over and over again, they all used to stress how ultimately life boils down to how assertive one is in communicating one’s wants, needs and boundaries to others - and especially one’s self.
In fact what impressed me most about Linda, when we met, was how very clear she was, from her years of training to be a person-centred counsellor, about boundaries.
Without boundaries you almost inevitably end up game playing a Victim, Rescuer or Persecutor role, or perhaps all three at once. That is a miserable way to spend your life.
I continue to learn.
So, of course, in the team-building workshops we would end up discussing assertiveness, the emphasis being on the healthy difference between being assertive as opposed to being aggressive or sadly pathetic.
You see, standing up for yourself and being assertive are one and the same thing; your ability be an effective communicator. I am extremely aware, however, as I write this, of the context which we are immersed in now, that of profound disability, unimaginable suffering and devastating cognitive dysfunction, making any kind of accurate communication almost impossible.
Nevertheless, between us, we have to find a way to be assertive in our communication with medical professionals.
Okay then, dusting off and putting my old staff trainer hat back on this morning, here I am reminding myself of very basic strategies:
1. Cut to the chase, say what you want, rather than what you “need”, it sounds more assertive already. For example simply saying that “I want a quiet, side room to be seen in, ” seems much clearer, to me, than getting bogged down in something infinitely more convoluted and difficult to comprehend like : “I need not to be with other people, I need not to be exposed to perfume, to noise, to movement etc….”, even though this is also correct. Don’t wait for the clinician to somehow guess what it is you want. Make it crystal clear, from the off - that depends on you having done the work yourself in the first place. How well do you know what your own needs are?
2. Expect to be treated with dignity and respect, that is the foundation of self- belief and self confidence. Linda has always deeply impressed me with how she has always stood up for her rights, particularly when no one else has.
3. Stick to your guns. If something is not possible, then, politely, without being a victim, or being aggressive or pushy, ask how can it be made possible? This is not necessarily as easy as it sounds. The alternative is to not get your needs met. It is truly amazing how in our life we have consistently made the impossible happen. We have found that there is always a way, if you look and persevere.
4. Take back your own power. Remember that you are not responsible for other’s behaviour, you don’t have to take on their likely ignorance and possible rejection and then feel awful inside. Stay calm and be very clear about your wants and expectations; they could not be more important!
5. At all times be extremely courteous, articulate and “professional”. I can’t think of a better word. Linda and I have always stressed this on Stonebird. Don’t be afraid to challenge, confront, restate your need, but always, always, listen to and respect the other person with dignity and speak politely. In all that we write we try to never name or personally criticise another, rather we focus on the facts and issues instead.
Your aim is this :
1. To accurately convey how you feel in the best possible way : “I am very concerned that you understand exactly how my symptoms affect me, so that you do not harm me.”
2. To state exactly what you require: “I need you to be very clear with me about all the risks involved and how you are going to meet them.” Hence, as we have stressed for many years on Stonebird, the critical need for a Risk Assessment, particularly in the complex care and treatment of the most ill.
3. To outline the consequences: “If you minimise the risks, as much as possible, then that increases the chances of a successful procedure, on the other hand if you do not take my wants and needs into account, or consider them trivial, irrelevant, unfortunate, insignificant, then the consequences may be very serious indeed.”
I guess one could say, yes, the aim is to have “ambitious expectations
It is so important that we do this, for the terrifying consequences, if they get anything, I stress “anything at all”, wrong are potentially life threatening or will trigger unimaginable suffering and deterioration..
We have to find some way to articulate what, let’s face it, is beyond incomprehensible to most people.
I know we have done it before and we will do it again, only this time the stakes are much, much higher. This is bigger than anything we have ever faced. There is zero room for misunderstanding ahead, so it’s really serious.
Day and night all of this is constantly on my mind. The stress, right now, is huge.
Anyway, I was listening to the “Today” program this morning on Radio 4 and they had an airline executive on. He said something that stopped me in my tracks, I was making breakfast.
I immediately jotted it down:
“Ambitious expectations”.
Wow, I thought, my mind racing back down the years.
I used to run one, two, three day workshops for health and social services staff up and down the country. One of the things I used to do, at service stations was have a burger and coke and then buy business motivation talks to listen to in the car; they were a rich source of ideas and out of the box inspiration; my workshops aimed to be wildly innovative.
Often, with aid of balloons, rocks and plasticine, I would run Team Building Sessions, which always came down to examining how effectively was the team communicating with each other? Time and again they weren’t.
So we would work out respectful, clear, communication strategies.
Those motivation talks in the car, over and over again, they all used to stress how ultimately life boils down to how assertive one is in communicating one’s wants, needs and boundaries to others - and especially one’s self.
In fact what impressed me most about Linda, when we met, was how very clear she was, from her years of training to be a person-centred counsellor, about boundaries.
Without boundaries you almost inevitably end up game playing a Victim, Rescuer or Persecutor role, or perhaps all three at once. That is a miserable way to spend your life.
I continue to learn.
So, of course, in the team-building workshops we would end up discussing assertiveness, the emphasis being on the healthy difference between being assertive as opposed to being aggressive or sadly pathetic.
You see, standing up for yourself and being assertive are one and the same thing; your ability be an effective communicator. I am extremely aware, however, as I write this, of the context which we are immersed in now, that of profound disability, unimaginable suffering and devastating cognitive dysfunction, making any kind of accurate communication almost impossible.
Nevertheless, between us, we have to find a way to be assertive in our communication with medical professionals.
Okay then, dusting off and putting my old staff trainer hat back on this morning, here I am reminding myself of very basic strategies:
1. Cut to the chase, say what you want, rather than what you “need”, it sounds more assertive already. For example simply saying that “I want a quiet, side room to be seen in, ” seems much clearer, to me, than getting bogged down in something infinitely more convoluted and difficult to comprehend like : “I need not to be with other people, I need not to be exposed to perfume, to noise, to movement etc….”, even though this is also correct. Don’t wait for the clinician to somehow guess what it is you want. Make it crystal clear, from the off - that depends on you having done the work yourself in the first place. How well do you know what your own needs are?
2. Expect to be treated with dignity and respect, that is the foundation of self- belief and self confidence. Linda has always deeply impressed me with how she has always stood up for her rights, particularly when no one else has.
3. Stick to your guns. If something is not possible, then, politely, without being a victim, or being aggressive or pushy, ask how can it be made possible? This is not necessarily as easy as it sounds. The alternative is to not get your needs met. It is truly amazing how in our life we have consistently made the impossible happen. We have found that there is always a way, if you look and persevere.
4. Take back your own power. Remember that you are not responsible for other’s behaviour, you don’t have to take on their likely ignorance and possible rejection and then feel awful inside. Stay calm and be very clear about your wants and expectations; they could not be more important!
5. At all times be extremely courteous, articulate and “professional”. I can’t think of a better word. Linda and I have always stressed this on Stonebird. Don’t be afraid to challenge, confront, restate your need, but always, always, listen to and respect the other person with dignity and speak politely. In all that we write we try to never name or personally criticise another, rather we focus on the facts and issues instead.
Your aim is this :
1. To accurately convey how you feel in the best possible way : “I am very concerned that you understand exactly how my symptoms affect me, so that you do not harm me.”
2. To state exactly what you require: “I need you to be very clear with me about all the risks involved and how you are going to meet them.” Hence, as we have stressed for many years on Stonebird, the critical need for a Risk Assessment, particularly in the complex care and treatment of the most ill.
3. To outline the consequences: “If you minimise the risks, as much as possible, then that increases the chances of a successful procedure, on the other hand if you do not take my wants and needs into account, or consider them trivial, irrelevant, unfortunate, insignificant, then the consequences may be very serious indeed.”
I guess one could say, yes, the aim is to have “ambitious expectations
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- Other Apps
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