When you cannot move or get out of bed and no part of you is not screaming with infinite agony, but the doctors are not interested and tell you to your face that they do not believe you are physically ill, you suddenly reach an almost heart- stopping, gut wrenching moment of unbelievable clarity and awareness; a shocking epiphany.

For you realise that you have slipped out of normal existence and are living/ operating on a totally different level, way below normality and incredibly, devastatingly bizarre, the only way you are going to survive and cope is by going within yourself and holding on to your essential self.

It is to know with all your being that no matter how much you want this unbearable, intolerable nightmare of unimaginable, indefinable pain to stop, the truth is, that it is real, it is in all
levels of your being .

Every moment of your life is going to be defined by this. You are going to have to be incredibly strong to endure it, unimaginably brave to bear it, totally focused on finding meaning within it, so that it does not totally define who you are or overwhelm you, despite it has invaded every space in you.

You are going to have to bear the unbearable, cling onto your deepest values of goodness and caring for yourself and others.

You are going to have to live your beliefs that you are precious no matter what is going on inside you, removing and incapacitating you from every aspect of life previously known.

You are going to have to walk your talk as never before, because only in the depth of your being can you find and hold on to love that can help you survive such torment, not just for a day or a week or a couple of grave months, but many years, decades, probably forever.

Because it really is very bad, really serious, really never-ending severe and uncomprehendingly ignored. Your precious precious life, your beautiful body, your sharp, clever, aware mind are all being turned inside out in what can only be described as unimagined, devastating chaos on every level.


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