The Chaos of Agony




 MORE THAN TORTURE, THE CHAOS OF AGONY

When I am in the chaos of unutterable indescribable agony the power of the physical experience is huge, vast and all encompassing. I cannot bear the moment I am in. There is no other moment than this one and it seems to spread out to all eternity in an eternal moment of excruciating torture. I don't really have the words to describe the experience.
It is more than torment, more than torture, more than indescribable, more than intolerable, more than unacceptable, more than completely unbearable. It is screamingly hostile and negating. It is barbaric in its cruelty.
It is exquisitely diminishing. It is almost completely incomprehensible in its agony it is so vast, so punishing, so pure, so bleak, so empty of life and full of sensations that is beyond endurance.
All focus must be on coping, on bearing the unbearable, on remaining, on the pain itself, for there is no place that is not pain. There is no place that is not agony, there is no place that is not on fire with the violence of hurt, within the physicality of the body. The pain screams non- existence at you. The pain will consume you.
The pain is all consuming. You just want it to stop. You do not know when it will kill you, for surely you cannot remain existing in such intense violation of life.
Here you can either go down totally into despair and become overwhelmed and negated by the intensity of suffering or you can choose the essence of Life, which is to be greater than the suffering, to hold onto your intrinsic self despite it, even if it cannot be taken away.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

DO NO HARM, DO NO BETRAYAL

Image
By Diane  I'm not sure where to start but this is my story so far.  My name is Diane and I'm a carer for my adult daughter, Lili, who is completely bedbound with very severe myalgic enceplalomyelitis.  For Lili, M.E. didn't come slowly.   It very rudely crashed into her life and very quickly stole her health, taking bigger and bigger chunks of it as she deteriorated.  It all began when she experienced a gastric-flu virus of a sort she had never experienced before because this time she never regained her health.  A couple days later, she woke up with agonising head pain 'like her brain was on fire', with severe neck pain – she also couldn't move her neck, and her whole body was paralysed.  She's not sure how long she stayed like this as she was in and out of consciousness but she truly felt that she was going to die because her body was undergoing an extreme crisis.  To cut a long story short, it took a year to get a diagnosis durin...
Read more

New article out

Image
  SEVERE ME UNDERSTANDING AND REMEMBRANCE DAY Aug 8th We were asked by ME Group Australia to write an article on finding Hope in this place of endless, severe suffering: You Are Precious And Your Presence Matters, a Reflection on Hope. Greg and Linda Crowhurst When you are diagnosed with Severe/Very Severe ME, hope is an ephemeral, delicate thing. If you hope to be immediately better, or return to your previous life, those hopes will, most likely, be dashed, if the diagnosis is correct. When I was asked to write this article for ME Group Australia, I asked Linda, my wife, what hope means to her. She commented : “Hope for me cannot be about anything specific, unless that specific thing is actually achievable, or potentially achievable or possibly achievable at some point in time, even if it feels unlikely . For me hope comes in small things, not big things. Hope of a better moment, hope to not be irritated, hope to not be distressed, hope not to be tormented in every single mome...
Read more

Pragmatism : Why the ME Leadership is so wrong

Image
There's an argument that goes something like this : “ In the real world almost all ME/CFS research is carried out on people with  Fukuda CFS ...the only way to sort out the ME/CFS mess  is to identify clinical and pathological sub-groups under the ME/CFS  umbrella. ” We could identify it as the pragmatic argument. Except, what has " pragmatism" ever done for us ? In the USA, decades of “pragmatism” has arguably led to the 1% growing richer and the remaining 99% fighting for their  scraps. As Fishoutofwater comments : What have "pragmatic" Democrats done for us in the past decade? They signed off on a disastrous war in Iraq that drained the treasury leaving America trillions in debt. They signed off on deregulation of banks and financial firms leading to the greatest economic failures since the Great Depression. And they signed away our freedoms when they supported the Patriot Act. "Pragmatic" Democrats ..sold our health care...
Read more